I am by no means perfect. In fact, I am frequently reminded of this. Recently, I have realized how easily I shoot myself in the foot instead of letting situations actually improve. I asked myself "Why do I do this endless cycle of hurt and unnecessary pain?"
I realized that in my mind it sometimes feels easier to take away the chances of anything real happening than to feel the pain of someone or something letting you down. So instead of waiting for that day when someone will inevitably fail you, you chose to take them out of the equation so as to not feel that hurt caused by them. Now how does that make any sense?
I've realized, I sabotage myself much more than I would like to admit:
1. I do my hair when it is raining outside.
2. Whenever I am upset, I find it difficult to think about anything other than the negativity at hand.
3. I'm honest and open only about situations I have already dealt with internally.
4. I wear heels to work.
5. I procrastinate everyday.
6. I ugly cry when things are too overwhelming.
7. I listen to Taylor Swift after a break up.
8. I keep toxic people in my life.
9. I'm too embarrassed to ask for help.
10. I compulsively write lists.
11. I go to bed with makeup on.
12. I say "I'm sorry"for literally everything I do.
13. I say "I'm sorry" for things I don't do.
14. I say "I'm sorry" for things other people do.
15. I never start a conversation.
16. I never text back.
17. I eat when I'm not hungry.
18. I don't eat when I am hungry.
19. I forget I'm allowed to make mistakes.
20. I never charge my phone at night & always forget to bring a charger with me.
21. I wait until the last pair of clean underwear to do laundry.
22. I spend too much time alone.
23. I do most of my work from my bed - which results in nap time.
24. I never get a haircut, then complain about split ends.
25. I think about where I want to be months from not, not where I want to be tomorrow.
26. I opt for waffle fries over fruit.
27. I wear rain boots on days when it stops raining and it suddenly gets all sunny.
28. I take charge of too many activities.
29. I second guess everything I do.
30. I assume others would rather not be my friend.
31. I go to Petland to play with puppies when I am emotionally vulnerable.
32. I buy clothes that only sort of fit me because they were cheaper than getting clothes that actually fit correctly.
33. I listen to The Devil Wears Prada when I am angry.
34. I window shop for things I don't need.
35. I never carry a hair tie.
36. I procrasti-clean
37. I discredit my own knowledge.
38. I say what-if about the past, not the future.
39. I sometimes only talk to Jesus as a last resort.
40. I stretch myself too thin.
41. I shower and then immediately have the desire to work out.
42. I let my paintbrushes dry with paint on them.
43. I snooze until the very last possible second.
44. I assume people are angry with me for no reason.
45. I drunkenly call my ex.
46. I say things I don't mean.
47. I try to scare people away before I can let myself get too close to them.
48. I don't try to meet new people.
49. I forget about the milk in the fridge.
50. I tell myself things will be different, but don't do anything to change them.
So why do I feel this compulsive need to self-sabotage? I did some research and found that self-sabotaging stems from several things:
- An unconscious need to be in control
- Feeling unworthy
- Bad habits
- Perfectionism
- & the familiarity of failure
I might not be an expert on getting over these self-sabotaging habits but through extensive research I have come up with the number one way to kick the self-sabotaging habit: Respect yourself. There's more to it than just that, but with that you have a strong foundation to start self-improving.
So this is probably my No.1 New Years goal. Something that I have needed to improve on for years, I have finally brought to light and hopefully that will make me more inclined to change it.
What are some of your goals for 2015?
xo, Chelsea
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