This is possibly the most contradictory statement I have ever typed in my life. However, it is one that I am living through on the daily.
Being an extrovert means that I gain my energy by being around people, and somehow, somewhere in this twisted world I developed a severe anxiety to being around those same people that give me energy. And you thought my coffee addiction was fabricated.
I'm always lonely.
I love being around people. I hate making new friends. In the spirit of self preservation, I hate putting myself out there. Making new friends is awkward and its easy to get your heart broken by someone who didn't care about you as much as you did them.
Being alone makes me just as anxious as being with people.
Can I speak for almost all extroverts here and say that being alone for almost any specified period of time can cause a downward spiral of self hate and depression. But because I feel anxious about going to a party or putting myself out there, I feel just as bad in a room full of people. 'What if I do something stupid? Why aren't people talking to me? Did I say something wrong?' At least if I'm alone, I know the only person freaking out is me.
I'm the biggest flake you'll ever meet.
Text me and you won't hear a response for a couple months. Call me and you may have a little better luck. Hanging out is almost always a no, unless you wanted to come over and hide under the covers with me. Or if we do hang out, please believe it will be one-on-one inside a Starbucks that I frequent regularly (hello, comfort zone).
I'm exhausted.
Spending all my energy on being the best version of myself in front of people who would drop me in an instant for someone funnier, prettier, and/or smarter is the most soul wrenching daily activity. But if I don't spend time around those people, my own exhaustion sets in. Will nothing ever give?
Long wait times suck away my soul.
I sent you a text message 32 minutes ago and that daunting 'seen' feature is just staring me in the face. Or worse yet, I texted you 2 weeks ago and no response. I know you've seen it. You know, I know you've seen it. And they wonder why I don't check my texts anymore (see above).
Reality?
Crowds are often overwhelming for me and triggers for a downward spiral are almost everywhere. All of my energy focuses on being fun, chatty, sweet, and to not have a break down in front of everyone. Alone my downward spiral is inevitable. Staying at home feels safe, but is sometimes the most dangerous place to be.
I hope one day you'll understand.
socially yours,
Chelsea
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