Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming that all my problems come about because of my crippling mental illness. I am simply telling a story of the possible aftermath of dealing with depression.
(source)
This post, meant to be a lighthearted satire, quickly became sappy, so I apologize in advance. As some of you may know (and many of you might not), I have dealt with anxiety and depression disorders for many years now. It has crippled my life in so many ways. For those of you who can not understand depression. It is like living with a heavy wooden box on your head. It is isolating, embarrassing, and weighs you down. It makes living normally extremely difficult and often times you do not want to move from your bed. Depression can be manageable with the right amount of support and love from beloved friends and family, but there are time that depression wins. Here are those times...
Relationships // Although I have some wonderful friends who are completely supportive of me and love me, despite the constant push and pull, there are some people who cannot be bothered by me. Discerning and learning who to be open and vulnerable with is just a part of it. No matter how long you have known someone, they might bot have the emotional capacity to be able to stand beside you and help you fight these demons. I am learning that this is okay.
Grades // There have been a few semesters, regretfully, that my grades have been indirectly impacted and ultimately suffered because of depression. Many days waking up is a constant battle and doing more than laying in bed and staring off into space is extremely exhausting (in fact, this too can be exhausting) to someone who is constantly trying to keep the demons in your mind at bay. Ultimately schoolwork starts to slide because trying to figure out statistics is very difficult when all you want to do is sleep the pain away.
Appetite // People tell me I have a great figure. I credit this partially to my anxiety and depression because I often forget to eat. And then there are the times were I can eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting. My appetite is an incredible mystery sometimes. I would like to take a moment to thank my father and genetics for passing a high metabolism on to me.
Sleep // Depression is a bastard who likes to impact your sleep. Whether you are getting way too much or no sleep at all, your sleep is guaranteed to be impacted. My favorite is when I get reoccurring nightmares that make me wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Those are the best.*
Time // Unfortunately this does not mean just my own time, although depression does like to take up a lot of that. This also means the time of people who I am able to call at 3AM because of those reoccurring nightmares (see above). It takes time to fight the battles in your mind. It takes time to heal and prepare for each day. And it takes time to slide back down into despair.
I know that I have a long hard battle ahead of me, but with the right amount of support and love I am able to look at each day as a new beginning. I am extremely thankful for the people who have been put into my life to help me walk day to day, because it is exhausting to go it alone.
later, Chelsea
*sarcasm
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