Dear Mr. You

A collection of letters to the various men in my life. To the ones who have come, have gone, or have stayed, you have become a part of who I am today. So I thank you. 

Dear disappointed,

I took most of your disappointment onto myself and it has defined me as a person. I wasn't good enough so I tried harder and then felt awful because I wasn't good enough. You see the irony of an endless cycle?
I hate that I am like you. In that I mean I picked up your knack for perfectionism, among other things. I really wanted to be an apple far, far away from the tree but I have learned that you become like what you fear to become. 
I hope to manage my anger better than you taught me. 
I am glad you aren't around much. I feel no anger, nor resentment anymore.

Dear hipster,

You were the coolest person I knew. You helped me see that being different is not something to be ashamed of but something that should be embraced. That's a lesson I will take with me to my grave.
You also taught me that opening up to people and showing the raw inside parts of yourself is not always a bad thing. You taught me to trust for the very first time in my life.
You also showed me that I deserved more. That I was a precious treasure. Before, I was an extremely broken person, susceptible to all the hate that was thrown at me. Thank you for showing me that I was worth more.
I hope you know that I appreciated you and I looked up to you so much.
Never stop being your weird self. Ever.

Dear boyfriend I was never good enough for,

Honestly, I am so unbelievably glad for the lessons you have taught me. 
You taught me so much about what I do not want in a man. You taught me to be strong and not let others control who I am or what I do. 
Breaking up with you gave me a purpose. I was no longer someone's girlfriend; I was me. I could be whoever I felt I should be and no one else had a say in it. 
From you, I learned that manipulation and judgement can be snuck into relationships without anyone really noticing and now I am prepared for that. I am constantly on guard because of what you taught me. Maybe that makes me overly cautious and someone who isn't open to most relationships but if that's what I have to do so that I don't find myself with someone who does not appreciate me for who I am then I'm okay with that.
So thank you for giving me a greater purpose and greater appreciation for myself. I wish you the best.

Dear Mr. Right,

You are my brother in every possible way, minus biologically.
We could communicate from across a room with our eyes half shut. 
Every time I smell Old Spice I still think of you.
There is an intimacy (not necessarily romantic) that occurs when you've known someone since before knowing. You taught me how to defend myself and stand up for myself, but never taught me enough to defend myself against you. How many trash cans did you throw me in? Far too many. 
But I thank you because without you I wouldn't be so comfortable around the opposite sex. Without you I wouldn't be as strong and as daring as I am today.
You taught me that bodily functions are okay because they happen to everyone. 
You also rocked the middle school blonde Bieber shag before Bieber thought it was cool. Not to mention you were Ralph Lauren's biggest fan before we were old enough to understand what preppy meant.
You are so strong and endure so much. I hope you know that people (i.e. me) look up to you.
You survived Mexico and the Swine Flu among many other things. Be careful though, because with all your injuries and illnesses I am pretty sure you are on your last life.
You are one of the most caring people I ever met. I still remember this one time at work I had burned myself very badly. There was no burn relief in the first aid so I went up front to wash my wounds. When I got back to the kitchen you were there with a large cup of ice water and salt. You were mixing the water and salt together and told me to just stand there with my burn submerged until I could not bare the cold anymore. I still remember this as one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever done for me. [Be still my heart.]
You are my hero and even though you're not my biological brother I would go to hell and back for you. 
I miss you. And I don't remember the last time that I told you that I love you.

Dear boy version of me,

You scared me so much because we were so similar. I was so scared to open up to you. I wish I had. I wish I had given you more of a chance. 
We could have been great or we could have been a disaster but I will never know.
It's crazy that you're married now and I will most likely never get to see you again. 
You were too good for me. You were too good to me. I wish I had been better for you. 

Dear boy who wanted me to be the one,

What can I say... I was never sure. And I'm glad you finally found your one. I told you it wasn't me. 
All joking aside, I wish I had treated you better. There was no reason for me to be so standoffish, except for the fact that when it comes to matters of the heart I keep it very close to my person. 
I still think about you from time to time and know that had I reciprocated feelings you would have loved me fiercely until the day you died. I am thankful that I at least have that memory.

Dear rescuer,

How many nights did I fall asleep crying in your arms? Too many to count. I still can't look at you without slightly feeling ashamed of how many tears and how much snot you've seen come out of me. 
I wish we were closer than we are now. We don't really talk unless we run into each other. I guess some of us can never forget some nights. 
I still laugh because of that one time a nurse thought we were brother sister. It was the most ridiculous assumption. We look nothing alike.
Do you remember you leaving me in the ambulance and later at the hospital? Probably not but I will never forget those fierce hugs and that heartfelt goodbye. I suppose some things will linger with us for the rest of our lives and those two moments are some of the few.
You showed me for a time what unconditional, fierce love looks like. I'm not sure I've ever thanked you for that.

Dear best friend,

I love you so much. I honestly think that I will love you for the rest of my life. You are just one of the most special people from my memories. Yes, my memories, because you are no longer in my life. 
I wish it could be different. I wish I understood why you had to go from my life. Ripping you from my memories is like repeatedly getting a bikini wax every single moment I remember who you were, who we were and who we are now.
People say never date your best friend unless you are prepared to lose them. I wasn't prepared to lose you. I am sorry that I blocked you because what you did was too painful for me to keep on reliving over, and over, and over again. I'm sorry that I will miss out on so much of your life. 
I still remember back to junior year of high school when I decided that we were going to beat the odds... We were going to continue our friendship past high school and through college. My determination and perhaps a little bit of our friendship made that come to pass... At least for a while.
I do want to thank you for the friendship that we had, even though it is in the past, it is still dear to me. 

Dear model boy,

Gahh, I love you. You literally light up my life every time I see or talk to you. Without you I wouldn't have survived these last few years. 
We have shared the best and the worst of times and still come out laughing. Please never lose your humor and your sense for bringing the fun in everything you do.
I cannot wait to be YouTube famous with you.
I worry about you from time to time. I hope that you take time for yourself to recharge and refocus. I don't like to see you overwhelmed and overtaken by everything that everyone else has going on. You care so immensely for others. It is inspiring.
You are my favorite to be weird with and honestly I am just so happy to have you in my life. 

Dear noncommittal,

I understand. I understand so perfectly well that I am honestly fine with everything. But I do question if two people unable to commit is one to many. At some point someone will have to take a leap of faith and I pray one of us might have courage. 
If not, you have given me more reasons to love after I thought all love was lost, and for that I am thankful. 
You have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life with an amount of patience and humor that I do not understand. 
You are one of those people who would walk through fire for someone they just met. There needs to be more people like you in this world. 
You are so smart and have taught me to question and challenge everything about life. You challenge me to be my best self everyday and I could not ask for more from you. 

Dear Mr. You,

I have some advice. Treat her with respect, no matter your relation. Make her laugh. Sit with her when she cries. Be kind and know that whatever you say or do may in fact impact the women she will become. Take heed to make every moment count and fight for her until the end.